BadAssery Subject to be Censored
by Sarah Monsoon
Summary: England has a secret he's been keeping pent up for a while. Could a party in the Americas be just the time and place to reveal it? What exactly is the bet between Hungary and Japan? Rated M for language and later romance. A good mix of parody and angst:  I don't own the cover or Hetalia or any future lyrics used...
1. Chapter 1

Bad-Assery Subject to be Censored

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><p>Slight Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or any of its characters<p>

Any character likenesses or ideas to actual persons is completely coincidental and totally and accidentally on purpose ;)

Rated M for language

Title subject to change

This fanfic was not only for my own amusement but also as a response to a nonchalantly made request by BAYBAY841. This is also my first fanfic so bear with me - I looked it up and that is the correct use of the term X] - You see that? Yeah bro, that is totally how dedicated I am to this! No way am I half-assin' this shiznit! XD  
>Alright, I can hear the Monty Python characters yelling at me to "Get on with it!" so I'll stop rambling so you can enjoy yourselves.<p>

Rate and Review or whatever you guys do on here. Again, first time XD

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><p>Chapter One: Colons Aplenty and a Drunken Trump of Hearts!<p>

Narrator: Is everyone listening? No? Good, because these are words, so you should be reading. And even if you're not, I could care less.

Anyways, in today's fanficiton, the Americas are throwing a party and all of the other nations, including a few civilians of their choice, are invited for an evening of drinking, dancing, and a whole sack full of drama for all of those fangirls and guys with France, Japan and Hungary characteristics. American fan translation: A whole freaking night of bad-ass partying, fist-pumping, getting hammered and getting laid!

Location: Britain's bedroom in his UK home.

Arthur was dreading tonight. He let out a sigh as he gave up on deciding between his ACDC and Rolling Stones t-shirts and threw both (with much pent up frustration) into the UK flag-styled suitcase lying on his bed. He then threw in a few motor jeans and his more casual suits, just in case.

He never really liked going to the parties thrown by his fellow nations; the activities always included drinking. Both the Lord and Queen knew after a few pints, he would be asking anyone who would listen just exactly what his religious status was. And since the party was to be held in the United States, Arthur thought of the horror of future obscured judgment.

The butterflies in Arthur's stomach only showed how nervous he felt about the possibility of drunken slurs and what secrets he might reveal, especially in the presence of America. He smacked himself in the forehead for even thinking of that wanker. Arthur knew he had trust issues and he knew how he felt about Alfred… how he was strongly, and not surprisingly attracted to his once colony. But…. He wasn't sure if he wanted to even confess his feelings to Alfred. He had his reasons, too.

America, if one hasn't noticed, is a bit of an international relations whore and can be so annoying. He got on everyone's nerves with his "hero" talk and his nosiness and anyone could lose their lunch just by watching him eat. However, Arthur knew how much Alfred cared for other people, and although his goal was a bit extreme, the idea of giving everyone unalienable freedoms was actually quite respectable, even though Britain would never give up his loyalty to his queen. Also, Alfred has quite recently gotten himself into a bit of a health craze… he still has much of a ways to go; South Carolina is still really heavy, and a bit of a douche. But America's commitment to getting healthy is really admirable. Why, just the other day, Britain saw how much agony Alfred was in as a nearby hamburger tempted him to take a bite. Still….

Just then, Queen Elizabeth II burst through the door with a lampshade tipped on her head, a champagne glass sloshing gold liquid in her grip, and the flushed stamp of a drunken smile sweeping across her wrinkled and aged face. "Are you done with your –hiccup- luggage, Arthur? Do be getting –hiccup- along; with this speed, you're sure to –hiccup- miss the supposed 'kick-ass' party in –hiccup- the Americas."

Arthur sighed. "Oh dear, Your Majesty, you have drunken too much. Perhaps you should lie down." He offered the Queen his hand to lead her to the bed but was immediately slapped away in wavered manner. The Queen then proceeded to inform her nation of the importance of enjoying one's self, especially at a party. "Don't be such a Pansy while you're there either. Get on and tell that Alfred fellow how much you'd love to practice hanky panky and cover his whole –hiccup- body in love bites."

Arthur's jaw created a loud "thud" as it hit the ground beneath his feet.

The Queen smiled through her bender-caused vision, "Don't look at me as if I'm off my trolley; I always had a notion of your being a bit of a Nancy boy." She laughed then as Arthur dipped his head in shame and set her hand on his shoulder. "Keep your pecker up, old chap. I still love you and I'm sure the other nations will respect you for what you are."

Arthur forced a grin, too blurred by the Queen's arsed judgment to be noticed as such, and sent her to her royal chambers for a well needed sobering nap. However, as soon as he had her under the covers, she chunked her glass at his head and firmly warned him to get his blimey arse to the airport and have fun in the Americas, threatening to make his bum the new placement for the royal jewels and use the leg of her throne to smash his own "royal jewels" if a good time factor was not met. A bit harsh, yes, but it sure as fire set Arthur to chivvying along.

OoO

On the plane to the Americas, Arthur was left with much time to think upon himself as his magical friends were chatting amongst each other. Hook giggling and googling his eyes at his tiny and beautiful frenemy Tinkerbelle, and Flying Mint Bunny debating with Uni about who will win the bet made between Hungary and Japan on… something Arthur can't quite place…

He began to think about Her Majesty's words; his heart sank as he thought and feared of the possible rejection he would face. He still didn't know how Alfred felt and was afraid of what might happen again…

He thought of the first time Alfred pushed him away; the day his demand punched a gaping hole in England's heart…

The deep blue iris' filled with disappointment that match his last shameful plea…

Arthur looked out the window and into the passing white sky and the ocean below as he wished for a jagged sea cliff…

OoO

Narrator: I sure hope mister Britain doesn't fly away from his punk phase so quickly and into an emo/suicidal phase. That trend is four years ago!

Looks like there's some drama brewing in this pot and seems someone has added a huge ingredient of homosexual angst! I wonder what Hungary and Japan are betting on. Stay tuned for the next chapter and totally bug this darned writer to hurry up and feed your fantasies.

Quickly now! I hear she's a bit of a dunce… *whisper* She's American!

END CHAPTER 1


	2. Author's Chapter

Author Chapter:

The Super Long and Needed (but probably unnecessary) Apology!

WARNING: May contain TMI but I feel so comfortable with you guys it's kind of scary.

Date: Tuesday, June 05, 2012, approximately 2:45 p.m. in a super-small Texas town.

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><p>OH MY GOD! I AM SO SORRY! I told myself when I started writing this, "I, Sarah, will NOT slack on this story…" oh, but did life smack me in the face after that…. I wrote the first chapter around Saint Patrick's day… I remember this because I kept checking to see how many reviews I was getting while waiting in Dallas traffic to get my aunt and cousin to do some major family horse-playing… and I'm just NOW, in June, getting back to it.<p>

I'm just gonna give you guys a quick splurge on what has happened since March….

I got a job working with ice cream, (if you live in within a 300 mil radius of Oklahoma, then you can probably guess the 1/3 Fresh Market & Dairy, 1/3 Fast Food [awesome burgers I might add] and 1/3 Ice Cream joint I'm talking about and it's NOT Baskin Robins!) I made Brass Captain in marching band officer auditions, friends and family and an amazing boyfriend who I really do not want to let down by not getting to see very often.

So basically STRESS is the obstacle…. My job takes away from my people because it IS summer and what summer treat does everyone have in mind…. Ice cream incase you didn't know. I come home covered, literally all over my arms and apron and even on my face, in ice cream too tired to even get dressed into pajamas but somehow I manage to do so, talk to my parents for what little time I can stand and call my boyfriend in hopes that he'll talk me to sleep…. Man do I love his voice :D sorry for the mush. My job has me working more on the weekends so I don't get to go with my family to the lake as they plan at the very last minute and my friends get upset because I rarely see them… but I think I got one friend out of the way by missing work for three days and going to A-Kon with her… and to be honest, all my free time I would love to just watch TV with my boyfriend holding my hand. Sounds lazy, but to me it is complete sanctuary and I could care less if it is rotting my brain.

So with that and other financial problems to which I am not going to bore ya'll with, are just some things that have gotten in my way, but like today possibly the other days I go into work at 5, I have spent my mornings and early afternoons to writing, (if my f**king ADHD permits me) and doing my chores and hating the menstruation cycle for hurting my back.

I am determined to stay on top of this and try my best not to be led astray.

Thank you for the time taken in having read this, I just thought I owed ya'll some sort of an apology. And really, please do not hesitate to ride my ass about writing more for the story. I appreciate every nag I obtain to keep me focused.

These next chapters, I have big plans for them so stay tuned and oh please do not lose hope.

-Sarah

P.S.

FanFiciton is being totally straight (I don't like saying gay in that way) and won't save my changes. My story is supposed to be in the incomplete category and every time I try and fix it, it says "saved changes" but it really did nothing. (insert rage comic here) also I am really scared of my story being taken down since a lot of the M rated fanfics are being taken down including VoldemortHugger's posting of My Immortal (yes, I read that shit and am going to be making A LOT of references to it.) so be on the look out and I hope some of my favorite stories haven't been deleted! Mature fans unite and cross our fingers… hopefully it's just the really pervy fanfics and not the legit romance fanfics.

^How ironic (this goes to Bay) seeing how I AM a closet pervert^


	3. Chapter 2

Bad-Assery Subject to be Censored

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><p>Slight Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or any of its characters<p>

Any character likenesses or ideas to actual persons is completely coincidental and totally and accidentally on purpose ;)

Rated M for language and maybe later lemon… If I can get past the weirdness of writing one.

Title subject to change…possibly not if you guys like it…it purposefully makes no sense but sounds pretty kick-ass, right?

I apologize, again, for taking so long and the false chapter; I just love telling you guys what's up! I will be sure to make up for it with a long (actual) chapter. Enjoy ;)

Rate, Review and Recommend, please :]

Thanks again to all the people who reviewed and favorited and blah blah generic-thank-you-speech blah

Lawl, just kidding, I freaking fainted every time I found out I got a review or someone favorited me, so seriously, thank you! Y'all make my day ;)

Anything with parenthesis on it is the Narrator speaking… ohh she so funny.

CANDYBARS!

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><p>Chapter Two: Introductions, Seductions and a Flustered Englishman<p>

Arthur dropped his bags on the floor with a hard thud, releasing a lot of pent up (sexual) frustration. His shoulder was slapped and gripped in a (I guess you could call it) respectful embrace which only added a more annoyed flush to the Brit's face.

"What's the matter, Kirkland?" asked Alfred. "Dude, are you still mad at me for making you spill your tea? Guess I should've warned the passengers of those rough wind thingys." He pondered on the idea.

_Clueless_, Arthur thought to himself, thankful of Alfred's ignorance.

He was kind of peeved at his tea being spilt, however, even though it _did_ stain his favorite shirt and dampen his copy of "The Importance of Being Earnest," he was more embarrassed at finding out that the blue-eyed-once-colony that he had been day dreaming about was actually flying the plane during the whole flight. He shook the arm off his person.

"I'm not angry, you blooming wanker… just… a bit tired, is all…. from the flight…. But, you _do_ owe me a new book."

Alfred scratched the back of his head, smiled nervously as Arthur looked around the American mansion. It almost reminded the Englishman of his own, minus the multiple mounted guitars, stuffed wild cats and other rock and roll idyllic things about the home. Arthur came back to where his bags were perched, but just before he could grab the first's handle, Alfred stopped him.

"Wait!" he startled Arthur with his cry. "Wait, wait, wait. You think just because I'm amazingly carefree that I don't know hospitality. Well by thinking that, you know me so freaking well, so it's a good thing I have someone who does."

Alfred yelled an odd cat-call, "Yeee-haw!"

And with that a tall man with a masculine figure that made the Brit's knees quake, walked into the room and grabbed the handle of one of Arthur's bags.

As the mystery man led Arthur down the hall to his room, England couldn't help but soak in the dark brown eyes and the masculine strip of peach fuzz under the MM's bottom lip. The damp ring around his closely cut, mousey, brown hair suggested he'd been wearing some sort of hat and could see from his glazed arms along with his moistened neck, that this man had been outside working in the heat, but with what, he couldn't quite place. A light bulb flashed behind his eyes in realization. It could've been the blue jeans or the worn working boots but, the Englishman concluded that the belt buckle truly gave the mystery man away.

(Oh GOD! Let's hope this isn't_ another_ Tara!... that, for some random reason, writes a WHOLE lot better… fingers crossed.)

The man stopped in front what Alfred decided was his assigned guest room and opened the door.

"So… I know you're supposed to be a gentleman and all, but you could at least _act_ like you remember me." Arthur was taken aback at the mystery man's statement.

"Uh.. uh… well, you see… I… uh-" Arthur stuttered, trying to remember the man's bloody NAME!

"Austin, Mr. Kirkland… Austin Smith? I represented the Republic of Texas at one time…?" Austin searched for a reply in the Brit's face.

"RIGHT!" Arthur shouted. He cleared his throat, realizing his outburst, "Ahem, yes, well, you look awfully different seeing as the last we spoke, your hair was blonde-"

"That's only for football season… Don't ask." Austin shrugged. "It really was nice seein' you again, Mr. Kirkland." If Arthur hadn't a crush on Alfred, he would swoon even harder at the Texan's dark, southern voice.

Austin smiled and then motioned to the room's doorway, "This is your room, it's next door to Alfred's and is actually connected by that door over yonder," He motioned towards said door. "and if you need anything, all you gotta do is holler."

"D-do I have to scream, 'yee-haw'…?"

"Uh.. hehe... no, you don't. Alfred thinks that's how we Texans call one another, so I just go on along with it… it's kinda funny, if you think about it." The Texan chuckled to himself. "I tell you what."

A pause.

"Tell me what?" Arthur asked…

"I just told you."…

Another pause…

"Never mind… but again, if you need anything, don't be afraid to ask. We're both gentlemen here. See you later, Mr.-

"Arthur," the Brit corrected. "You can call me, Arthur, Austin."

Austin smiled. "Well alright then, Arthur. I'll be seein' you around." The southerner winked goodbye and walked his way back to the living area where the sounds of blown kisses and "_bonjour, mon ami"_ could be heard.

OoO

Arthur plopped on the bed [newly stripped of the rubbish they called a comforter and replaced with his British flag comforter] (**with** matching pillows!) and thought about, (again) what the hell he had gotten himself into. He had already finished his unpacking and was now, due to lack of activity, left to think upon himself even more of his itching for someone to walk in and inform him of dinner. He could only imagine what the queen would say in a drunken stupor at his moping about.

"KNOCK KNOCK!"

"As it is not the main door being yelled at, I'm going to guess that Alfred is the one calling?"

The American opened the not-so-secret door, "What's up, bro? You've just been stuck up here all freaking day?"

"I suppose… You called?"

Alfred plopped on the bed beside Arthur, gaining a blush to which he had no notice of. They both looked up at the ceiling in a comfortable silence, (you know, the one that Alfred could possibly compare with to a monologue from a certain movie *cough Pulp Fiction cough*) Arthur could feel the body heat from the American… yearning, as they lay beside one another, to stare deeply into the sky blue eyes and to kiss the soft pink lips, causing the Brit to crave the taste of salt and beef. The hue from his cheeks spread to deepen the blush to a red so dark, it would make a Spaniard or Italian begin to salivate.

_Oh God, what the bloody hell is going through that git's head…_

As Arthur was about to scream from the silence, Alfred shifted just in time to catch the Englishman's steamy complexion.

_Bullocks_…

"Hey, man. Are you okay?" The worry in the American's eyes was hard to miss. Arthur's desire at this point was becoming unbearable.

*Blush* "I'm fine, you damn git… why?"

Their eyes were locked for a moment until it was broken by an arrogant smile.

"Just making sure, dude. Nothing to worry about." Alfred stood up, stretched, and checked his watch. "Crap, is that the time? I'm supposed to be making sure the cooks are doing the food right!" he smiled then. "I hope you like it, Iggy… I've done something special for all the countries."

Arthur's heart smiled for him at the American's kindness…

"I'm gonna be marked as the best host ever after this is over!"

Smile gone.

Alfred said his hurried good-bye, leaving the Brit alone once more. Arthur was starting to believe he would never be able to have any sort of a conversation with the American….. maybe he should find something to do, to occupy his time…

His eyes darted to the door connecting his room with Alfred's….

_**Thump… thump… thump**_

His footsteps seemed to synchronize with his heart beat, getting louder as he neared the target, not knowing he was even moving until his hand felt the cold touch of a doorknob.

Arthur winced at the creak of the door made upon opening, and as he peered his shaggy head through, he was suddenly frozen at the sight which pierced his green eyes.

…

END CHAPTER 2

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><p>Yay! So there is the second chapter and my first cliffhanger XD<p>

I'm so proud of myself.

I'm going to go ahead and point out that as I am writing this chapter, I am also experimenting with my writing styles…. Please, please, please tell me what you guys think about the dialogue! Is it too much? And I am very sorry the Narrator interrupted so much… (Hey! I thought I was giving very good insight and in a way, I am helping you out a bit. You could have missed important details!) Yeah, I'm not even going to argue with you…. You aren't real. (Guurrrl please! *puts up The Hand*) Must…. Refrain… from talking to self… in order to preserve self-dignity and more importantly… sanity. (Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh!)

O_o - rational Sarah

Also, I'd like to apologize for the random conversation with Texas… I made up the character with Bay and I wanted to use it lol. Y'all will see why in a later chapter. XP

So yeah, thanks again for reading and I will try my hardest to stay on top of things!

[Again, I really do appreciate the feedback… so yeah… don't hesitate.]

Snozberries taste like Snozberries!


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